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Surrendering is Not Defeat

The word surrender does not always invoke positive images. Waving the white flag and willingly giving up is not something most humans are wired for. We are programmed to fight to the very bloody end, to fiercely hold onto to what is ours. But when the things we stubbornly hold to are ones that inevitably hurt us, hobble our growth in Christ, even prevent us from fully becoming the person our Lord intended us to be then we must learn that to surrender is not always to accept defeat, but to embrace freedom from an unholy burden.

The weight of my abortion was just such a load. Even though I had confessed my sin and understood that a gracious, loving Savior forgave me, shame held me hostage. Whispers of my unworthiness shackled my spirit. The enemy had convinced me that the act of abortion was beyond Jesus threshold for clemency. So, I stuffed it away, put on my good ‘God’s girl’ smile and soldiered on, thankful I wouldn’t be losing my salvation.

Through what I can only describe as timely divine grace, I found myself at a woman’s conference where the Surrendering the Secret ministry was presented. God whispered to my weary heart that it was time to relent, to begin to heal from that long-buried hurt. He wanted me to be more than merely satiated with my salvation. He wanted me to live abundantly.

I’ll be honest. The thought of digging into the past, poking at old wounds, was not something I humbly accepted even if in the end it meant a victory. Picture Jonah running as far as possible from Ninevah and you might get a picture of my willingness to obey God’s will. I was quite comfortable on the road I was currently travelling and had no desire to circle back around to the place where I’d sacrificed my unborn child for my own selfish will. It was, to say the least, my darkest moment, one I did not intend to revisit on any journey, especially one where I might have company or goodness gracious any witnesses. But God… Our Lord, He had a much better plan.

God’s unremitting pursuit pushed me right into my initial Surrendering the Secret group as sure as a whale had coughed up my bleached body on a beach. It was here that for the first time in over twenty years I was encouraged to remember the baby I had let go without a mountain of remorse and guilt between us. Fears fled in the light of God’s amazing love for me and my aborted child. The support I received from my group leader gave me courage to let go of my shame and let God’s light breach what I saw as the impenetrable black hole in my soul.

I will not say it was always easy. I cannot tell you that it didn’t hurt and that there weren’t times when I wanted to quit and just go back to the status quo, but I can testify of the amazing liberty from shame that I gained, of the closeness to our Lord that I experienced. Surrender the Secret ended a war that had been raging within my heart for decades. It deepened my walk with Jesus, brought incredible women into my life, and amazingly enough gave me back my child. Not in a physical sense that only a reunion in Heaven will provide, but in a heart-merging, soul-touching way that I had not experienced since having our bond severed by a horrific medical procedure I chose. All that I had to do was surrender to God’s beautiful grace. And guess what? Defeat never tasted so sweet.

If you would like to receive more information on future Surrendering the Secret opportunities, email

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